Starting Fresh... again

Hey folks!  It's been a pretty long month for me and sorry for the delay in posting.  I have my reasons, and this post is likely to be a long one.  Initially, I didn't have any updates.  After Thanksgiving and for most of December, I was doing great.  The cravings were weak and becoming less frequent.  I was off the nicotine gum and didn't need the toothpicks much either; it felt like I was out of the woods.  Hooray!

Then life caught up with me, as life is wont to do.  I went through a breakup that was immediately followed by hosting a Christmas party.  I was fine at the party; hung out outside with smokers and didn't cave.  The morning after the party, I was the first one up in the house and started cleaning.  I'm tidying up the patio, picking up beer bottles and what not and there it was - a pack of Camel Blues (my forever brand) with a single cigarette inside and a lighter next to it.  No one in the house was awake.  I hadn't smoked the night before and wasn't feeling hungover.  Texas and all of its cigarettes and smokers was looming on the horizon.  I figured if I was going to have a weak moment, better to do it sober and alone than under the influence and surrounded by smokers.  My mistake was allowing the weak moment assumption in the first place.  I lit it and took a drag.  People say that smell is our sense most tied to memory, but the taste of that cigarette brought me right back to the tennis courts in Vistawood where I used to sneak cigarettes when I was about 12-13.  It occurred to me that just as I wished I had stopped smoking then, this moment could be as much of a turning point if I picked it up again.  I only took that single drag and put it out.  I went inside and had to brush my teeth immediately because my mouth tasted so terrible.  I didn't tell anybody until a few days later and put off the blog entry until the Houston hurdle was cleared.

My trip back home for Christmas went really well.  I enjoyed not having to take breaks from family time to smoke.  I remember all too well how crummy it felt to come back inside after a smoke break knowing how bad I smelled to everyone else.  The bars were a test.  As suspected, we spent a fair amount of time sitting outside with drinks, chain-smoking.  Even though I tried to start each evening indoors, we invariably migrated to the patio despite the cold weather.  I sat, surrounded by second hand smoke, drink in hand, and resisted all temptation.  Go me!  The taste of that single drag after the party was fresh in mind, and I knew I didn't need to smoke.  Maybe I'm just being a little self-involved, but I also hoped that if my Houston friends (who know all too well how much I always smoked and loved smoking) saw that I was able to resist, maybe they would realize they could quit too.  You know, lead by example and all that :)  You CAN do it!

So Christmas break ended, and I headed back to SF last week.  Last Friday was a really difficult day for me.  I let down someone I care about a great deal, and I was feeling sorry for myself in the worst kind of way.  After I left work, I wanted to stop and buy a pack of cigarettes more than I have since I quit.  I was feeling especially pitiful and wanted to punish myself, but I didn't stop.  I kept walking, kept trying to distract my mind as I had before.  However, I also knew that my roommate had been smoking lately and there might be a pack waiting for me at home.  Sure enough, there they were on the kitchen counter.  Again, no one was home... I took a cigarette, went outside and lit up without hesitation.  I smoked the entire thing with a co-mingling of absolute disgust and pure pleasure.  It was just the sort of punishment I was looking for to match how shitty I had been feeling all day.  When I went back inside, I stole another cigarette and hid it away for later.  My shady addict behavior was in full swing. 

A few years ago after my first quitting attempt failed, I had a similar reaction.  When I started smoking again, it was with a vengeance.  I smoked more than I had in years because I felt a strong desire to shame myself and my weakness.  I needed to be punished for failing to quit, and I chose to punish myself by smoking more.  Pretty disgusting, huh?

When I was home for Christmas, I was talking with a friend of mine who has successfully quit (and also happens to be a behavioral therapist), and she emphasized how important it was to not beat yourself up if you slip.  To accept the mistake and move on.  On Saturday, I was still feeling depressed, and I knew I had the smuggled cigarette from the day before so I smoked that one too.  It didn't make me feel better; it made me sick.  While lying on the couch with a stomachache, I knew I was ready to get back on the quitting train. 

This wasn't a full regression, it was an emotional situation.  I'm not a smoker again, but I did smoke.  As of Sunday, my counter is reset and today is day 5.  Unlike I had thought, day 1 this time around was not anywhere near day 1 two months ago.  It doesn't feel like as much of a setback as I had thought, but I'm also being cautious not to take the indiscretion too lightly.

In terms of my plan, I must follow through as promised.  I already bought myself the running shoes because I did make it one full month without a single drag, but the next prize doesn't come to me until March 1, two months from now.  Also, I owe money to the mother fucking AFA, which, as my friend so well-stated, is essentially like funding a hate crime.   This is definitely the worst part of the whole deal and another reason why I've put off the blog posting.  I had to wait until payday.

One drag plus two full cigarettes in the month of December is $40.  UGH!  This sting will not be soon forgotten.  Proof of payment is below.

I know this is a really long post, but I had to fully disclose what happened or else I'd feel like this whole thing was just a bunch of BS.  To those of you who have been so amazingly supportive of me on this challenge, I'm really sorry I disappointed you.  The past five days have been significantly easier than the first five, and I'm still committed to the goal.  I'm just starting fresh... again.