Missing the War

If quitting smoking is a war, and I've lost my share of battles in the past two months, how do I know if I'm still fighting it?  Is the sense of disappointment in myself enough?  How about leaving cigarettes at home during work to prevent any daytime smoking and convince myself that it's only a social thing?  At what point does it just kind of seem like a joke to tell people that I'm still trying to quit when they see me smoking when we're out?  Am I there yet?  Have I lost that loving feeling?

I celebrated a birthday in early March, and I used my long-winded and fabulously fun celebrations as an excuse to extend my "smoking as a post-break up consolation".  The day after my birthday, I had two cigarettes left in a pack.  I bummed one to my roommate, smoked the other myself, and said I'd be back on the wagon the next day.  The next day, I got sick.  Bonus!  I didn't even want to smoke and felt lucky to have the assist, as much as being sick sucked.  I didn't smoke for nine days.

Then, I got better.  I started spending time with an important person who happens to smoke; we used to smoke together a lot.  At first, I'd just hang out with him while he took cigarette breaks.  Then I started bumming a few drags off his cigarette.  Then I'd bum a whole cigarette every once in a while.  I wouldn't smoke when I wasn't with him, and that was easier because I'd know when I'd see him next and that I could smoke then.  Last week, I bought a pack and bought another one last night when that one ran out because (of course) the reliance on him for my fix was unsustainable.  Ladies and gentlemen, the slippery slope!

It's when I get to this point that I start to hate it.  It's when I feel the consequences: running is a challenge; I think about smoking in the morning and crave them during the day; I find myself sitting outside on my patio smoking without even noticing that I'm smoking.  It is so pointless.  I need to realize that I can't have the social smoking without eventually getting to the gross solo smoking too.

The important smoker in my life will hopefully be an important person in my life for a very long time.  As I was composing this post, he sent an email saying he will quit too and do his best to help me through it.  Quitters out there: how successful have you been at quitting if you've quit at the behest of someone else?  Isn't it best to do it for yourself when you're ready?  How easily do I become the nagging person who is trying to change him in this scenario?  Alternately, how great could it be to have each other for support and accomplish this feat together?

I'm kind of thinking that the responsibility of helping him quit could be just what I need to feel committed to the goal again for myself as well.  What do you think?  Potential disaster or just what the doctor ordered?