Baby Steps

I suppose it would have been pretty naive of me to have thought my 8 point plan wouldn't need amending at some point.  The intensity of my commitment has definitely waned over the past month, and my cigarette count since Nov. 5 is now up to 8.  Yikes.  Two were accounted for in my last post, five were over the course of the long weekend a few weeks back, and the other was on my way home from a concert earlier this week.  All were reliant upon the kindness of strangers.  To keep things in perspective and also make myself feel a little better, let's do some math.  Based on my previous rate of smoking (4 packs a week), since I quit on Nov. 5, there are 1,000 cigarettes that I haven't smoked.  WOW.  1,000!  That's nuts.  That does actually make me feel quite a bit better :)

Even so, I need to reinvigorate myself in this endeavor.  My incentives and disincentives aren't really working anymore.  I'm not blogging with any regularity.  I don't take any breaks at work.  I seem to think I can smoke casually; I can't.  At this rate, it's really only a matter of time before I start buying my own packs again.  I want to smoke right now.  And life has honestly been kind of shitty so far this year, so I don't feel strongly that I have any good reason to not smoke.  (Of course, that voice is just a sad justification.  I have plenty of great reasons to not smoke, and the success that I have had in quitting should be a huge source of pride in myself.)

SO, a few amendments.  When I came up with the plan, the disincentive was my favorite part.  In light of my slip ups though, I really just cannot bring myself to give more money to the AFA.  Screw the plan and my own small battle with smoking.  It's absolutely not worth it to financially support an organization who makes people battle for basic civic rights, acceptance and understanding.  The fight for equality is more important than my plan.  Also, you think I have $120 just lying around?  Please.  Instead of a disincentive punishment when I do smoke, let's allow me to make up the $40 I've already relinquished to hate.  Let's set some smaller goals.  If I make it through this weekend without smoking, I give $5 to Atticus Circle, a non-profit I just came across based out of Austin that educates and mobilizes straight people to advance equal rights for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) partners, parents, and their children.  It's perfectly applicable to me.  It's Texan.  It's named after Atticus Finch.  Perfect.

To better enable this, I'm going to start carrying the nicotine gum around again.  If Monday rolls around and I haven't smoked, I'll pick another charity and donate another $5 if/when I make it to next Friday.  If Monday rolls around and I have smoked, I'll shoot to not smoke until Friday and donate to Atticus Circle then. 

I feel good.  I feel great.  I feel wonderful.

Happy Friday, y'all.  Go Niners!