If quitting smoking is a war, and I've lost my share of battles in the past two months, how do I know if I'm still fighting it? Is the sense of disappointment in myself enough? How about leaving cigarettes at home during work to prevent any daytime smoking and convince myself that it's only a social thing? At what point does it just kind of seem like a joke to tell people that I'm still trying to quit when they see me smoking when we're out? Am I there yet? Have I lost that loving feeling?
I celebrated a birthday in early March, and I used my long-winded and fabulously fun celebrations as an excuse to extend my "smoking as a post-break up consolation". The day after my birthday, I had two cigarettes left in a pack. I bummed one to my roommate, smoked the other myself, and said I'd be back on the wagon the next day. The next day, I got sick. Bonus! I didn't even want to smoke and felt lucky to have the assist, as much as being sick sucked. I didn't smoke for nine days.
Then, I got better. I started spending time with an important person who happens to smoke; we used to smoke together a lot. At first, I'd just hang out with him while he took cigarette breaks. Then I started bumming a few drags off his cigarette. Then I'd bum a whole cigarette every once in a while. I wouldn't smoke when I wasn't with him, and that was easier because I'd know when I'd see him next and that I could smoke then. Last week, I bought a pack and bought another one last night when that one ran out because (of course) the reliance on him for my fix was unsustainable. Ladies and gentlemen, the slippery slope!
It's when I get to this point that I start to hate it. It's when I feel the consequences: running is a challenge; I think about smoking in the morning and crave them during the day; I find myself sitting outside on my patio smoking without even noticing that I'm smoking. It is so pointless. I need to realize that I can't have the social smoking without eventually getting to the gross solo smoking too.
The important smoker in my life will hopefully be an important person in my life for a very long time. As I was composing this post, he sent an email saying he will quit too and do his best to help me through it. Quitters out there: how successful have you been at quitting if you've quit at the behest of someone else? Isn't it best to do it for yourself when you're ready? How easily do I become the nagging person who is trying to change him in this scenario? Alternately, how great could it be to have each other for support and accomplish this feat together?
I'm kind of thinking that the responsibility of helping him quit could be just what I need to feel committed to the goal again for myself as well. What do you think? Potential disaster or just what the doctor ordered?
Monday, April 1, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
Backsliding, how do you do?
No news is good news, right? I wish that were the case. The past month or two has been an incremental backslide of smoking, where one bummed cigarette on a night out has led me to purchase packs again. I'm not really smoking during the day and am not back to my old habits entirely, but this slippery slope is apparent.
I've struggled with writing this post for a host of reasons. Obviously, it's difficult to expose your failures to others, and I'm upset to have disappointed the people that have offered so much support and encouragement to me over the past few months. I wanted to be able to offer a sincere, reinvigorated effort at the end of the post, and I'm not quite sure I'll be able to.
A lot of people I've spoken with throughout this process have emphasized not to beat myself up if I smoke, that it takes time for the new reality of not smoking to really sink in and the occasional cigarette is bound to happen. Don't lose site of the goal. Keep at it. I'm not really certain this is best for me. I don't think I can have just one cigarette, as just the one has become two packs in the past week and change. Slowly but surely, I've reintroduced the nicotine in my system and now my body craves it again. I purposefully left my pack at home today and have been experiencing withdrawal symptoms throughout the day. I craved one on my walk to work; at 10:30am I got the itch; I'm craving one at this very moment since I've got a belly full of lunch. That first cigarette I smoked in late December didn't bring me back to the withdrawal feelings in my "Day 2" post right away, but it certainly set me on the path I'm currently treading. A "slip up" needs to be more than just such. I was raised Catholic; I think maybe I need a good beating.
Recently, I saw an old friend with whom I used to chain-smoke during a certain period of our lives. He quit cold turkey about five years ago and hasn't looked back. He mentioned to me how personal smoking was to him, and when he quit he took pretty much the opposite route as I have and didn't tell anyone he was quitting until he had essentially quit. Considering this has opened my eyes to another reason why this post has been so difficult to approach- a lot of my reasons for backsliding are really personal, emotional issues that I'm not entirely comfortable exposing to the world wide web. So, we'll stick to generalities for now.
Well, how did I get here?
Sometime in mid-January, I stopped caring. I was angry at myself and with someone else in my life, and I used that experience as a diversion from the smoking goal. I used smoking as a coping mechanism for the anger and the pain I was feeling. I used the confidence and reassurance smoking gives me to move on from the issue. I do feel like I am over the hump and on my way to a more emotionally healthy place, but have become addicted again in the process. My motivations to quit have waned, and now it feels like the cigarettes are a load-bearing pillar in my efforts towards emotional health. The "smoking as healing" thing is a farce; it has to be. Otherwise, smoking is just given more power, and I know that this is baseline- an addiction. However, I'm having a hard time mustering up the commitment I had before. I feel crummy, but all this pitiful self-doubt just makes me want to smoke more. Wah.
It appears I am stuck, but it's up to me and me alone to un-stick myself.
I've struggled with writing this post for a host of reasons. Obviously, it's difficult to expose your failures to others, and I'm upset to have disappointed the people that have offered so much support and encouragement to me over the past few months. I wanted to be able to offer a sincere, reinvigorated effort at the end of the post, and I'm not quite sure I'll be able to.
A lot of people I've spoken with throughout this process have emphasized not to beat myself up if I smoke, that it takes time for the new reality of not smoking to really sink in and the occasional cigarette is bound to happen. Don't lose site of the goal. Keep at it. I'm not really certain this is best for me. I don't think I can have just one cigarette, as just the one has become two packs in the past week and change. Slowly but surely, I've reintroduced the nicotine in my system and now my body craves it again. I purposefully left my pack at home today and have been experiencing withdrawal symptoms throughout the day. I craved one on my walk to work; at 10:30am I got the itch; I'm craving one at this very moment since I've got a belly full of lunch. That first cigarette I smoked in late December didn't bring me back to the withdrawal feelings in my "Day 2" post right away, but it certainly set me on the path I'm currently treading. A "slip up" needs to be more than just such. I was raised Catholic; I think maybe I need a good beating.
Recently, I saw an old friend with whom I used to chain-smoke during a certain period of our lives. He quit cold turkey about five years ago and hasn't looked back. He mentioned to me how personal smoking was to him, and when he quit he took pretty much the opposite route as I have and didn't tell anyone he was quitting until he had essentially quit. Considering this has opened my eyes to another reason why this post has been so difficult to approach- a lot of my reasons for backsliding are really personal, emotional issues that I'm not entirely comfortable exposing to the world wide web. So, we'll stick to generalities for now.
Well, how did I get here?
Sometime in mid-January, I stopped caring. I was angry at myself and with someone else in my life, and I used that experience as a diversion from the smoking goal. I used smoking as a coping mechanism for the anger and the pain I was feeling. I used the confidence and reassurance smoking gives me to move on from the issue. I do feel like I am over the hump and on my way to a more emotionally healthy place, but have become addicted again in the process. My motivations to quit have waned, and now it feels like the cigarettes are a load-bearing pillar in my efforts towards emotional health. The "smoking as healing" thing is a farce; it has to be. Otherwise, smoking is just given more power, and I know that this is baseline- an addiction. However, I'm having a hard time mustering up the commitment I had before. I feel crummy, but all this pitiful self-doubt just makes me want to smoke more. Wah.
It appears I am stuck, but it's up to me and me alone to un-stick myself.
Friday, February 1, 2013
Baby Steps
I suppose it would have been pretty naive of me to have thought my 8 point plan wouldn't need amending at some point. The intensity of my commitment has definitely waned over the past month, and my cigarette count since Nov. 5 is now up to 8. Yikes. Two were accounted for in my last post, five were over the course of the long weekend a few weeks back, and the other was on my way home from a concert earlier this week. All were reliant upon the kindness of strangers. To keep things in perspective and also make myself feel a little better, let's do some math. Based on my previous rate of smoking (4 packs a week), since I quit on Nov. 5, there are 1,000 cigarettes that I haven't smoked. WOW. 1,000! That's nuts. That does actually make me feel quite a bit better :)
Even so, I need to reinvigorate myself in this endeavor. My incentives and disincentives aren't really working anymore. I'm not blogging with any regularity. I don't take any breaks at work. I seem to think I can smoke casually; I can't. At this rate, it's really only a matter of time before I start buying my own packs again. I want to smoke right now. And life has honestly been kind of shitty so far this year, so I don't feel strongly that I have any good reason to not smoke. (Of course, that voice is just a sad justification. I have plenty of great reasons to not smoke, and the success that I have had in quitting should be a huge source of pride in myself.)
SO, a few amendments. When I came up with the plan, the disincentive was my favorite part. In light of my slip ups though, I really just cannot bring myself to give more money to the AFA. Screw the plan and my own small battle with smoking. It's absolutely not worth it to financially support an organization who makes people battle for basic civic rights, acceptance and understanding. The fight for equality is more important than my plan. Also, you think I have $120 just lying around? Please. Instead of a disincentive punishment when I do smoke, let's allow me to make up the $40 I've already relinquished to hate. Let's set some smaller goals. If I make it through this weekend without smoking, I give $5 to Atticus Circle, a non-profit I just came across based out of Austin that educates and mobilizes straight people to advance equal rights for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) partners, parents, and their children. It's perfectly applicable to me. It's Texan. It's named after Atticus Finch. Perfect.
To better enable this, I'm going to start carrying the nicotine gum around again. If Monday rolls around and I haven't smoked, I'll pick another charity and donate another $5 if/when I make it to next Friday. If Monday rolls around and I have smoked, I'll shoot to not smoke until Friday and donate to Atticus Circle then.
Happy Friday, y'all. Go Niners!
Even so, I need to reinvigorate myself in this endeavor. My incentives and disincentives aren't really working anymore. I'm not blogging with any regularity. I don't take any breaks at work. I seem to think I can smoke casually; I can't. At this rate, it's really only a matter of time before I start buying my own packs again. I want to smoke right now. And life has honestly been kind of shitty so far this year, so I don't feel strongly that I have any good reason to not smoke. (Of course, that voice is just a sad justification. I have plenty of great reasons to not smoke, and the success that I have had in quitting should be a huge source of pride in myself.)
SO, a few amendments. When I came up with the plan, the disincentive was my favorite part. In light of my slip ups though, I really just cannot bring myself to give more money to the AFA. Screw the plan and my own small battle with smoking. It's absolutely not worth it to financially support an organization who makes people battle for basic civic rights, acceptance and understanding. The fight for equality is more important than my plan. Also, you think I have $120 just lying around? Please. Instead of a disincentive punishment when I do smoke, let's allow me to make up the $40 I've already relinquished to hate. Let's set some smaller goals. If I make it through this weekend without smoking, I give $5 to Atticus Circle, a non-profit I just came across based out of Austin that educates and mobilizes straight people to advance equal rights for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) partners, parents, and their children. It's perfectly applicable to me. It's Texan. It's named after Atticus Finch. Perfect.
To better enable this, I'm going to start carrying the nicotine gum around again. If Monday rolls around and I haven't smoked, I'll pick another charity and donate another $5 if/when I make it to next Friday. If Monday rolls around and I have smoked, I'll shoot to not smoke until Friday and donate to Atticus Circle then.
 |
| I feel good. I feel great. I feel wonderful. |
Happy Friday, y'all. Go Niners!
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Starting Fresh... again
Hey folks! It's been a pretty long month for me and sorry for the delay in posting. I have my reasons, and this post is likely to be a long one. Initially, I didn't have any updates. After Thanksgiving and for most of December, I was doing great. The cravings were weak and becoming less frequent. I was off the nicotine gum and didn't need the toothpicks much either; it felt like I was out of the woods. Hooray!
Then life caught up with me, as life is wont to do. I went through a breakup that was immediately followed by hosting a Christmas party. I was fine at the party; hung out outside with smokers and didn't cave. The morning after the party, I was the first one up in the house and started cleaning. I'm tidying up the patio, picking up beer bottles and what not and there it was - a pack of Camel Blues (my forever brand) with a single cigarette inside and a lighter next to it. No one in the house was awake. I hadn't smoked the night before and wasn't feeling hungover. Texas and all of its cigarettes and smokers was looming on the horizon. I figured if I was going to have a weak moment, better to do it sober and alone than under the influence and surrounded by smokers. My mistake was allowing the weak moment assumption in the first place. I lit it and took a drag. People say that smell is our sense most tied to memory, but the taste of that cigarette brought me right back to the tennis courts in Vistawood where I used to sneak cigarettes when I was about 12-13. It occurred to me that just as I wished I had stopped smoking then, this moment could be as much of a turning point if I picked it up again. I only took that single drag and put it out. I went inside and had to brush my teeth immediately because my mouth tasted so terrible. I didn't tell anybody until a few days later and put off the blog entry until the Houston hurdle was cleared.
My trip back home for Christmas went really well. I enjoyed not having to take breaks from family time to smoke. I remember all too well how crummy it felt to come back inside after a smoke break knowing how bad I smelled to everyone else. The bars were a test. As suspected, we spent a fair amount of time sitting outside with drinks, chain-smoking. Even though I tried to start each evening indoors, we invariably migrated to the patio despite the cold weather. I sat, surrounded by second hand smoke, drink in hand, and resisted all temptation. Go me! The taste of that single drag after the party was fresh in mind, and I knew I didn't need to smoke. Maybe I'm just being a little self-involved, but I also hoped that if my Houston friends (who know all too well how much I always smoked and loved smoking) saw that I was able to resist, maybe they would realize they could quit too. You know, lead by example and all that :) You CAN do it!
So Christmas break ended, and I headed back to SF last week. Last Friday was a really difficult day for me. I let down someone I care about a great deal, and I was feeling sorry for myself in the worst kind of way. After I left work, I wanted to stop and buy a pack of cigarettes more than I have since I quit. I was feeling especially pitiful and wanted to punish myself, but I didn't stop. I kept walking, kept trying to distract my mind as I had before. However, I also knew that my roommate had been smoking lately and there might be a pack waiting for me at home. Sure enough, there they were on the kitchen counter. Again, no one was home... I took a cigarette, went outside and lit up without hesitation. I smoked the entire thing with a co-mingling of absolute disgust and pure pleasure. It was just the sort of punishment I was looking for to match how shitty I had been feeling all day. When I went back inside, I stole another cigarette and hid it away for later. My shady addict behavior was in full swing.
A few years ago after my first quitting attempt failed, I had a similar reaction. When I started smoking again, it was with a vengeance. I smoked more than I had in years because I felt a strong desire to shame myself and my weakness. I needed to be punished for failing to quit, and I chose to punish myself by smoking more. Pretty disgusting, huh?
When I was home for Christmas, I was talking with a friend of mine who has successfully quit (and also happens to be a behavioral therapist), and she emphasized how important it was to not beat yourself up if you slip. To accept the mistake and move on. On Saturday, I was still feeling depressed, and I knew I had the smuggled cigarette from the day before so I smoked that one too. It didn't make me feel better; it made me sick. While lying on the couch with a stomachache, I knew I was ready to get back on the quitting train.
This wasn't a full regression, it was an emotional situation. I'm not a smoker again, but I did smoke. As of Sunday, my counter is reset and today is day 5. Unlike I had thought, day 1 this time around was not anywhere near day 1 two months ago. It doesn't feel like as much of a setback as I had thought, but I'm also being cautious not to take the indiscretion too lightly.
In terms of my plan, I must follow through as promised. I already bought myself the running shoes because I did make it one full month without a single drag, but the next prize doesn't come to me until March 1, two months from now. Also, I owe money to the mother fucking AFA, which, as my friend so well-stated, is essentially like funding a hate crime. This is definitely the worst part of the whole deal and another reason why I've put off the blog posting. I had to wait until payday.
One drag plus two full cigarettes in the month of December is $40. UGH! This sting will not be soon forgotten. Proof of payment is below.
I know this is a really long post, but I had to fully disclose what happened or else I'd feel like this whole thing was just a bunch of BS. To those of you who have been so amazingly supportive of me on this challenge, I'm really sorry I disappointed you. The past five days have been significantly easier than the first five, and I'm still committed to the goal. I'm just starting fresh... again.
Then life caught up with me, as life is wont to do. I went through a breakup that was immediately followed by hosting a Christmas party. I was fine at the party; hung out outside with smokers and didn't cave. The morning after the party, I was the first one up in the house and started cleaning. I'm tidying up the patio, picking up beer bottles and what not and there it was - a pack of Camel Blues (my forever brand) with a single cigarette inside and a lighter next to it. No one in the house was awake. I hadn't smoked the night before and wasn't feeling hungover. Texas and all of its cigarettes and smokers was looming on the horizon. I figured if I was going to have a weak moment, better to do it sober and alone than under the influence and surrounded by smokers. My mistake was allowing the weak moment assumption in the first place. I lit it and took a drag. People say that smell is our sense most tied to memory, but the taste of that cigarette brought me right back to the tennis courts in Vistawood where I used to sneak cigarettes when I was about 12-13. It occurred to me that just as I wished I had stopped smoking then, this moment could be as much of a turning point if I picked it up again. I only took that single drag and put it out. I went inside and had to brush my teeth immediately because my mouth tasted so terrible. I didn't tell anybody until a few days later and put off the blog entry until the Houston hurdle was cleared.
My trip back home for Christmas went really well. I enjoyed not having to take breaks from family time to smoke. I remember all too well how crummy it felt to come back inside after a smoke break knowing how bad I smelled to everyone else. The bars were a test. As suspected, we spent a fair amount of time sitting outside with drinks, chain-smoking. Even though I tried to start each evening indoors, we invariably migrated to the patio despite the cold weather. I sat, surrounded by second hand smoke, drink in hand, and resisted all temptation. Go me! The taste of that single drag after the party was fresh in mind, and I knew I didn't need to smoke. Maybe I'm just being a little self-involved, but I also hoped that if my Houston friends (who know all too well how much I always smoked and loved smoking) saw that I was able to resist, maybe they would realize they could quit too. You know, lead by example and all that :) You CAN do it!
So Christmas break ended, and I headed back to SF last week. Last Friday was a really difficult day for me. I let down someone I care about a great deal, and I was feeling sorry for myself in the worst kind of way. After I left work, I wanted to stop and buy a pack of cigarettes more than I have since I quit. I was feeling especially pitiful and wanted to punish myself, but I didn't stop. I kept walking, kept trying to distract my mind as I had before. However, I also knew that my roommate had been smoking lately and there might be a pack waiting for me at home. Sure enough, there they were on the kitchen counter. Again, no one was home... I took a cigarette, went outside and lit up without hesitation. I smoked the entire thing with a co-mingling of absolute disgust and pure pleasure. It was just the sort of punishment I was looking for to match how shitty I had been feeling all day. When I went back inside, I stole another cigarette and hid it away for later. My shady addict behavior was in full swing.
A few years ago after my first quitting attempt failed, I had a similar reaction. When I started smoking again, it was with a vengeance. I smoked more than I had in years because I felt a strong desire to shame myself and my weakness. I needed to be punished for failing to quit, and I chose to punish myself by smoking more. Pretty disgusting, huh?
When I was home for Christmas, I was talking with a friend of mine who has successfully quit (and also happens to be a behavioral therapist), and she emphasized how important it was to not beat yourself up if you slip. To accept the mistake and move on. On Saturday, I was still feeling depressed, and I knew I had the smuggled cigarette from the day before so I smoked that one too. It didn't make me feel better; it made me sick. While lying on the couch with a stomachache, I knew I was ready to get back on the quitting train.
This wasn't a full regression, it was an emotional situation. I'm not a smoker again, but I did smoke. As of Sunday, my counter is reset and today is day 5. Unlike I had thought, day 1 this time around was not anywhere near day 1 two months ago. It doesn't feel like as much of a setback as I had thought, but I'm also being cautious not to take the indiscretion too lightly.
In terms of my plan, I must follow through as promised. I already bought myself the running shoes because I did make it one full month without a single drag, but the next prize doesn't come to me until March 1, two months from now. Also, I owe money to the mother fucking AFA, which, as my friend so well-stated, is essentially like funding a hate crime. This is definitely the worst part of the whole deal and another reason why I've put off the blog posting. I had to wait until payday.
One drag plus two full cigarettes in the month of December is $40. UGH! This sting will not be soon forgotten. Proof of payment is below.
I know this is a really long post, but I had to fully disclose what happened or else I'd feel like this whole thing was just a bunch of BS. To those of you who have been so amazingly supportive of me on this challenge, I'm really sorry I disappointed you. The past five days have been significantly easier than the first five, and I'm still committed to the goal. I'm just starting fresh... again.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Day 22: Kicking the Nicotine
Yesterday, I hit the three week mark. Thanksgiving was tough, as big meals and booze and excitement and vacation are all smoking triggers for me. When I'm doing something I really enjoy, the cigarette always seemed to make that experience complete. We had a half day at work on Wednesday, and when I left the office at 1pm and it was sunny outside and I was going to meet my boyfriend for a beer on a patio and I knew my favorite holiday EVER was the very next day... you'd better believe I wanted a cigarette. After the most gluttonous and delicious meal of the year... yep, light me up. I even went so far as to bum a smoke off a stranger outside of the bar we went to after Thanksgiving dinner. Thank goodness the stranger was awesome; when I mentioned how long I'd been without smoking, he offered his eCig instead. I remain cigarette free. Close call, y'all. Sorry I almost let you down!
I've been asked how long I'm going to continue chewing the nicotine gum. The quitting has been successful so far, and I'm usually fine without the gum (unless I'm drinking or notably stressed). Today is actually my third day without any nicotine at all, which means it's nearly out of my system completely. I'm still reluctant to rule out the gum for the long term, though. In those tough moments when I really, really, really just want a cigarette, the ability to chew a piece of gum and quiet that "little monster" inside without caving and actually smoking has been pretty huge. Also, I am very nervous about going home for Christmas. Quitting in San Francisco is easy, with it's health-crazed citizens and no smoker friends and few patio bars. Quitting in Houston, where much of my social activity involves sitting outside a patio bar and chain smoking, will be much more difficult.
If the nicotine is out of my system, can I say I've beaten that addiction even though I still crave cigarettes? Will reintroducing the nicotine into my bloodstream (via gum) be a setback, even if it prevents me from smoking an actual cigarette? Am I aiming too low by keeping the gum as an option, or just being realistic? Can I do this full stop- no cigs, no nicotine, nada? I guess we'll find out next time a big one hits. One day at a time, people!
Over the past week or so, I have come to accept the possibility that I may have a sporadic, dull ache for cigarettes for much of the rest of my life. While my Dad smoked for probably 20-30 years, he's been a non-smoker for about ten now. He was always willing to keep me company when I took a smoke break, as he said he still enjoyed the smell. It's so interesting to retain a fondness for something that is so noxious, but I completely understand what he means. Quitting for me has been akin to losing a pet or going through a breakup. I recall some of those smoker moments longingly and with yearning. Le sigh. My heart will go on, Camels.
Yesterday, I received a really beautiful flower delivery at work with a kind and encouraging note:
Interestingly, there was no name on the card. I asked a few of the usual suspects (mom, dad, etc), but none of them took credit. I still don't know who sent them, but if you're reading: thank you so much. It is really touching to know that I have the support system I do, and the flowers are beautiful! What an insanely nice thing to do. Seriously. I'll definitely be paying this gracious gesture forward :)
So I'm just under a week away from my first reward and have been amping up my running in anticipation. New running shoes, here I come! Any recommendations? I hear Asics are good. How do y'all feel about the traditional thick soles versus the lightweight, thin-soled models that have become more popular recently?
Status: 22 days, smoke-free; $0 donated to anti-charity; holiday moods in full swing, for better or worse!
I've been asked how long I'm going to continue chewing the nicotine gum. The quitting has been successful so far, and I'm usually fine without the gum (unless I'm drinking or notably stressed). Today is actually my third day without any nicotine at all, which means it's nearly out of my system completely. I'm still reluctant to rule out the gum for the long term, though. In those tough moments when I really, really, really just want a cigarette, the ability to chew a piece of gum and quiet that "little monster" inside without caving and actually smoking has been pretty huge. Also, I am very nervous about going home for Christmas. Quitting in San Francisco is easy, with it's health-crazed citizens and no smoker friends and few patio bars. Quitting in Houston, where much of my social activity involves sitting outside a patio bar and chain smoking, will be much more difficult.
If the nicotine is out of my system, can I say I've beaten that addiction even though I still crave cigarettes? Will reintroducing the nicotine into my bloodstream (via gum) be a setback, even if it prevents me from smoking an actual cigarette? Am I aiming too low by keeping the gum as an option, or just being realistic? Can I do this full stop- no cigs, no nicotine, nada? I guess we'll find out next time a big one hits. One day at a time, people!
Over the past week or so, I have come to accept the possibility that I may have a sporadic, dull ache for cigarettes for much of the rest of my life. While my Dad smoked for probably 20-30 years, he's been a non-smoker for about ten now. He was always willing to keep me company when I took a smoke break, as he said he still enjoyed the smell. It's so interesting to retain a fondness for something that is so noxious, but I completely understand what he means. Quitting for me has been akin to losing a pet or going through a breakup. I recall some of those smoker moments longingly and with yearning. Le sigh. My heart will go on, Camels.
Yesterday, I received a really beautiful flower delivery at work with a kind and encouraging note:
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| "Fresh flowers for your Fresh Start. Just a reminder that your friends and family are very proud of you." |
Interestingly, there was no name on the card. I asked a few of the usual suspects (mom, dad, etc), but none of them took credit. I still don't know who sent them, but if you're reading: thank you so much. It is really touching to know that I have the support system I do, and the flowers are beautiful! What an insanely nice thing to do. Seriously. I'll definitely be paying this gracious gesture forward :)
So I'm just under a week away from my first reward and have been amping up my running in anticipation. New running shoes, here I come! Any recommendations? I hear Asics are good. How do y'all feel about the traditional thick soles versus the lightweight, thin-soled models that have become more popular recently?
Status: 22 days, smoke-free; $0 donated to anti-charity; holiday moods in full swing, for better or worse!
Monday, November 19, 2012
Day 15- No cheating!
I am mostly certain that this is the longest I have ever gone without taking a single drag from a cigarette. My last quitting attempt was Jan-March 2011, and while yes, two months is longer than the two weeks I have been thus far, I admit that I was a cheat last time. I snuck a drag from a friend's cig on a night out while drinking; I bummed from a stranger while walking around downtown by myself. I don't recall exactly when or how often those occurrences happened, but I know that they did. This time: nothing! Not a single puff in two weeks. Honest.
I feel really good about it. I recognize that in cheating last time, I was only cheating myself of the opportunity to be free of this addiction and habit. Any step back just isn't worth it to me anymore. I have made the decision to rid myself of this totally voluntary and poisonous habit, and I want to accomplish this goal so badly.
Oh, there have been MANY times that I've wanted one. A few times I've been desperate for one... hands clench and teeth gnash and that guy outside holding the cigarette is probably wondering why I'm staring at him with this crazed look on my face. Most of the time, I just chew the nicotine gum and try to distract myself. I will sometimes just randomly groan out loud or simply say, "man, I really want a cigarette." If you're around me when this happens, please know I'm not trying to complain and I'm not going to cave. I know I'm making the right choice. Please treat it as a warning sign of a fragile mood or a cue that I need to be distracted. Thanks :)
A few things I've learned:
I used to use smoking as a procrastination tool way more than I realized. What follows is a typical conversation with myself in my brain:
Also, I have no reason to impatiently rush to leave places. The movie's over? Now I can shuffle politely along with the rest of the people because I'm not going to get to smoke when I get outside anyways, so... relax. No need to drive my feet like I used to drive my car on I-10 west-bound (with purpose, people!)
I'm sick right now. I have a cold and it's stupid and annoying. Amazingly, the sore throat period only lasted half a day and wasn't that bad. Sweet. I'll bet the cough won't stick around as long either (when it gets here). My smoking used to drag a cold out to last about a month. Today is day 5 of this sucker; let's see how long it lasts this time.
Most difficult moments for me are 1) when I'm out drinking for an extended period of time, such as to watch football. Sports are stress and booze is a trigger and it was always nice to take a break outside. 2) When I'm by myself around the city and I know I could get away with it. Integrity FTW! 3) Slow moments at work when I just want to get my butt out of this office chair and breathe outside air for a minute.
On that note... I think I'll go take a walk with some gum. It's awfully pretty outside today.
Status: Day 15, still smoke-free! $0 donated. 1-2 pieces of gum/day.
I feel really good about it. I recognize that in cheating last time, I was only cheating myself of the opportunity to be free of this addiction and habit. Any step back just isn't worth it to me anymore. I have made the decision to rid myself of this totally voluntary and poisonous habit, and I want to accomplish this goal so badly.
Oh, there have been MANY times that I've wanted one. A few times I've been desperate for one... hands clench and teeth gnash and that guy outside holding the cigarette is probably wondering why I'm staring at him with this crazed look on my face. Most of the time, I just chew the nicotine gum and try to distract myself. I will sometimes just randomly groan out loud or simply say, "man, I really want a cigarette." If you're around me when this happens, please know I'm not trying to complain and I'm not going to cave. I know I'm making the right choice. Please treat it as a warning sign of a fragile mood or a cue that I need to be distracted. Thanks :)
A few things I've learned:
I used to use smoking as a procrastination tool way more than I realized. What follows is a typical conversation with myself in my brain:
- Hey, you need to take out the trash and recycling. It's your turn and it's piling up a bit.
- But I also want to smoke a cigarette. I have to wash my hands after I touch those horrible garbage bins, and why would I smoke after I've washed my hands? I should smoke first and then in the meantime forget that I was supposed to take out the trash.
- Okay. Deal.
Also, I have no reason to impatiently rush to leave places. The movie's over? Now I can shuffle politely along with the rest of the people because I'm not going to get to smoke when I get outside anyways, so... relax. No need to drive my feet like I used to drive my car on I-10 west-bound (with purpose, people!)
I'm sick right now. I have a cold and it's stupid and annoying. Amazingly, the sore throat period only lasted half a day and wasn't that bad. Sweet. I'll bet the cough won't stick around as long either (when it gets here). My smoking used to drag a cold out to last about a month. Today is day 5 of this sucker; let's see how long it lasts this time.
Most difficult moments for me are 1) when I'm out drinking for an extended period of time, such as to watch football. Sports are stress and booze is a trigger and it was always nice to take a break outside. 2) When I'm by myself around the city and I know I could get away with it. Integrity FTW! 3) Slow moments at work when I just want to get my butt out of this office chair and breathe outside air for a minute.
On that note... I think I'll go take a walk with some gum. It's awfully pretty outside today.
Status: Day 15, still smoke-free! $0 donated. 1-2 pieces of gum/day.
Monday, November 12, 2012
One Week Down: Day 8
Well holy shit guys, it's officially been one week!
I have not had a single puff of a cigarette in a week. I'm sticking with the plan (took a blogging break over the weekend), and things are going amazingly well. I, for one, am a little shocked. My mood has stayed positive, I've been able to overcome the cravings, and I'm not even relying all that heavily on the gum.
I still have the thought, "I want to smoke a cigarette" at least ten times a day. For the first few days, I would pop in a piece of gum if the thought stressed me out. For the past few days, I've learned to instead just trick my brain. I dismiss the option and immediately think of something else. 98% of the time, the craving is forgotten almost as quickly as it appeared. If it isn't, I chew a piece of gum.
There have been a few weaker moments... I went to a concert on Friday with a prominent smoking section in the back, and at one point I did go outside just to smell the second hand smoke. Kind of a pathetic/gross moment, but then the band started playing a song I loved and because I wasn't in the middle of a cigarette, I was able to just hop up and go right back inside. So that was cool. Another weak moment was on Saturday, which turned out to be a stressful evening for me personally. I was hanging out with a friend who smokes and at one point requested that we sit down and she have a cigarette just so I could smell it. I went as far as to hold a lit cig in my hand, and even without smoking it, I felt a little bit of that calm and security just for having it. I almost took a drag, and then I imagined having to fess up that I had caved on this blog and to my friends and family. Also, the smoker friend I was with was really encouraging and probably would have felt guilty if she had let me smoke. Accountability works, y'all!
Some more good news: my foot is finally almost totally healed! I had stepped on some glass while barefoot in my house about two months ago and had to go to the ER to get it taken out. My foot hadn't fully healed in the meantime, and last week I noticed that it looked like there was still a piece of glass stuck in the bottom of my foot. I was able to pull it out on Saturday morning, and I feel a million times better already. So I'm planning to get back on track with my running this week, which is one more reward I can redeem.
I have heard rumblings that after a certain amount of time you start hacking up junk from your lungs. Has anyone experienced this? What's that about, when does it start and how long does it last?
Status: 8 days smoke free! $0 donated to my anti-charity; fabulous feeling foot; about 3-4 pieces of nicotine gum/day.
I have not had a single puff of a cigarette in a week. I'm sticking with the plan (took a blogging break over the weekend), and things are going amazingly well. I, for one, am a little shocked. My mood has stayed positive, I've been able to overcome the cravings, and I'm not even relying all that heavily on the gum.
I still have the thought, "I want to smoke a cigarette" at least ten times a day. For the first few days, I would pop in a piece of gum if the thought stressed me out. For the past few days, I've learned to instead just trick my brain. I dismiss the option and immediately think of something else. 98% of the time, the craving is forgotten almost as quickly as it appeared. If it isn't, I chew a piece of gum.
There have been a few weaker moments... I went to a concert on Friday with a prominent smoking section in the back, and at one point I did go outside just to smell the second hand smoke. Kind of a pathetic/gross moment, but then the band started playing a song I loved and because I wasn't in the middle of a cigarette, I was able to just hop up and go right back inside. So that was cool. Another weak moment was on Saturday, which turned out to be a stressful evening for me personally. I was hanging out with a friend who smokes and at one point requested that we sit down and she have a cigarette just so I could smell it. I went as far as to hold a lit cig in my hand, and even without smoking it, I felt a little bit of that calm and security just for having it. I almost took a drag, and then I imagined having to fess up that I had caved on this blog and to my friends and family. Also, the smoker friend I was with was really encouraging and probably would have felt guilty if she had let me smoke. Accountability works, y'all!
Some more good news: my foot is finally almost totally healed! I had stepped on some glass while barefoot in my house about two months ago and had to go to the ER to get it taken out. My foot hadn't fully healed in the meantime, and last week I noticed that it looked like there was still a piece of glass stuck in the bottom of my foot. I was able to pull it out on Saturday morning, and I feel a million times better already. So I'm planning to get back on track with my running this week, which is one more reward I can redeem.
I have heard rumblings that after a certain amount of time you start hacking up junk from your lungs. Has anyone experienced this? What's that about, when does it start and how long does it last?
Status: 8 days smoke free! $0 donated to my anti-charity; fabulous feeling foot; about 3-4 pieces of nicotine gum/day.
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