Day 22: Kicking the Nicotine

Yesterday, I hit the three week mark.  Thanksgiving was tough, as big meals and booze and excitement and vacation are all smoking triggers for me.  When I'm doing something I really enjoy, the cigarette always seemed to make that experience complete.  We had a half day at work on Wednesday, and when I left the office at 1pm and it was sunny outside and I was going to meet my boyfriend for a beer on a patio and I knew my favorite holiday EVER was the very next day... you'd better believe I wanted a cigarette.  After the most gluttonous and delicious meal of the year... yep, light me up.  I even went so far as to bum a smoke off a stranger outside of the bar we went to after Thanksgiving dinner.  Thank goodness the stranger was awesome; when I mentioned how long I'd been without smoking, he offered his eCig instead.  I remain cigarette free.  Close call, y'all.  Sorry I almost let you down!

I've been asked how long I'm going to continue chewing the nicotine gum.  The quitting has been successful so far, and I'm usually fine without the gum (unless I'm drinking or notably stressed).  Today is actually my third day without any nicotine at all, which means it's nearly out of my system completely.  I'm still reluctant to rule out the gum for the long term, though.  In those tough moments when I really, really, really just want a cigarette, the ability to chew a piece of gum and quiet that "little monster" inside without caving and actually smoking has been pretty huge.  Also, I am very nervous about going home for Christmas.  Quitting in San Francisco is easy, with it's health-crazed citizens and no smoker friends and few patio bars.  Quitting in Houston, where much of my social activity involves sitting outside a patio bar and chain smoking, will be much more difficult. 

If the nicotine is out of my system, can I say I've beaten that addiction even though I still crave cigarettes?  Will reintroducing the nicotine into my bloodstream (via gum) be a setback, even if it prevents me from smoking an actual cigarette?  Am I aiming too low by keeping the gum as an option, or just being realistic?  Can I do this full stop- no cigs, no nicotine, nada?  I guess we'll find out next time a big one hits.  One day at a time, people!

Over the past week or so, I have come to accept the possibility that I may have a sporadic, dull ache for cigarettes for much of the rest of my life.  While my Dad smoked for probably 20-30 years, he's been a non-smoker for about ten now.  He was always willing to keep me company when I took a smoke break, as he said he still enjoyed the smell.  It's so interesting to retain a fondness for something that is so noxious, but I completely understand what he means.  Quitting for me has been akin to losing a pet or going through a breakup.  I recall some of those smoker moments longingly and with yearning.  Le sigh. My heart will go on, Camels.

Yesterday, I received a really beautiful flower delivery at work with a kind and encouraging note:

"Fresh flowers for your Fresh Start.  Just a reminder that your friends and family are very proud of you."

Interestingly, there was no name on the card.  I asked a few of the usual suspects (mom, dad, etc), but none of them took credit.  I still don't know who sent them, but if you're reading: thank you so much.  It is really touching to know that I have the support system I do, and the flowers are beautiful!  What an insanely nice thing to do.  Seriously.  I'll definitely be paying this gracious gesture forward :)

So I'm just under a week away from my first reward and have been amping up my running in anticipation.  New running shoes, here I come!  Any recommendations?  I hear Asics are good.  How do y'all feel about the traditional thick soles versus the lightweight, thin-soled models that have become more popular recently? 

Status: 22 days, smoke-free; $0 donated to anti-charity; holiday moods in full swing, for better or worse!

Day 15- No cheating!

I am mostly certain that this is the longest I have ever gone without taking a single drag from a cigarette.  My last quitting attempt was Jan-March 2011, and while yes, two months is longer than the two weeks I have been thus far, I admit that I was a cheat last time.  I snuck a drag from a friend's cig on a night out while drinking; I bummed from a stranger while walking around downtown by myself.  I don't recall exactly when or how often those occurrences happened, but I know that they did.  This time: nothing!  Not a single puff in two weeks.  Honest.

I feel really good about it.  I recognize that in cheating last time, I was only cheating myself of the opportunity to be free of this addiction and habit.  Any step back just isn't worth it to me anymore.  I have made the decision to rid myself of this totally voluntary and poisonous habit, and I want to accomplish this goal so badly. 

Oh, there have been MANY times that I've wanted one.  A few times I've been desperate for one... hands clench and teeth gnash and that guy outside holding the cigarette is probably wondering why I'm staring at him with this crazed look on my face.   Most of the time, I just chew the nicotine gum and try to distract myself.  I will sometimes just randomly groan out loud or simply say, "man, I really want a cigarette."  If you're around me when this happens, please know I'm not trying to complain and I'm not going to cave.  I know I'm making the right choice.  Please treat it as a warning sign of a fragile mood or a cue that I need to be distracted.  Thanks :)

A few things I've learned:

I used to use smoking as a procrastination tool way more than I realized.  What follows is a typical conversation with myself in my brain:

• Hey, you need to take out the trash and recycling.  It's your turn and it's piling up a bit.
• But I also want to smoke a cigarette.  I have to wash my hands after I touch those horrible garbage bins, and why would I smoke after I've washed my hands?  I should smoke first and then in the meantime forget that I was supposed to take out the trash.
• Okay.  Deal.

End scene.  This makes me a crappy roommate and a lazy smoker.  Now, I just take out the trash.  Way, way better.

Also, I have no reason to impatiently rush to leave places.  The movie's over?  Now I can shuffle politely along with the rest of the people because I'm not going to get to smoke when I get outside anyways, so... relax.  No need to drive my feet like I used to drive my car on I-10 west-bound (with purpose, people!)

I'm sick right now.  I have a cold and it's stupid and annoying.  Amazingly, the sore throat period only lasted half a day and wasn't that bad.  Sweet.  I'll bet the cough won't stick around as long either (when it gets here).  My smoking used to drag a cold out to last about a month.  Today is day 5 of this sucker; let's see how long it lasts this time.

Most difficult moments for me are 1) when I'm out drinking for an extended period of time, such as to watch football.  Sports are stress and booze is a trigger and it was always nice to take a break outside.  2) When I'm by myself around the city and I know I could get away with it.  Integrity FTW!  3) Slow moments at work when I just want to get my butt out of this office chair and breathe outside air for a minute.

On that note... I think I'll go take a walk with some gum.  It's awfully pretty outside today.

Status: Day 15, still smoke-free!  $0 donated.  1-2 pieces of gum/day.  

One Week Down: Day 8

Well holy shit guys, it's officially been one week!

I have not had a single puff of a cigarette in a week.  I'm sticking with the plan (took a blogging break over the weekend), and things are going amazingly well.  I, for one, am a little shocked.  My mood has stayed positive, I've been able to overcome the cravings, and I'm not even relying all that heavily on the gum. 

I still have the thought, "I want to smoke a cigarette" at least ten times a day.  For the first few days, I would pop in a piece of gum if the thought stressed me out.  For the past few days, I've learned to instead just trick my brain.  I dismiss the option and immediately think of something else.  98% of the time, the craving is forgotten almost as quickly as it appeared.  If it isn't, I chew a piece of gum. 

There have been a few weaker moments... I went to a concert on Friday with a prominent smoking section in the back, and at one point I did go outside just to smell the second hand smoke.  Kind of a pathetic/gross moment, but then the band started playing a song I loved and because I wasn't in the middle of a cigarette, I was able to just hop up and go right back inside.  So that was cool.  Another weak moment was on Saturday, which turned out to be a stressful evening for me personally.  I was hanging out with a friend who smokes and at one point requested that we sit down and she have a cigarette just so I could smell it.  I went as far as to hold a lit cig in my hand, and even without smoking it, I felt a little bit of that calm and security just for having it.  I almost took a drag, and then I imagined having to fess up that I had caved on this blog and to my friends and family.  Also, the smoker friend I was with was really encouraging and probably would have felt guilty if she had let me smoke.  Accountability works, y'all!

Some more good news: my foot is finally almost totally healed!  I had stepped on some glass while barefoot in my house about two months ago and had to go to the ER to get it taken out.  My foot hadn't fully healed in the meantime, and last week I noticed that it looked like there was still a piece of glass stuck in the bottom of my foot.  I was able to pull it out on Saturday morning, and I feel a million times better already.  So I'm planning to get back on track with my running this week, which is one more reward I can redeem. 

I have heard rumblings that after a certain amount of time you start hacking up junk from your lungs.  Has anyone experienced this?  What's that about, when does it start and how long does it last?

Status: 8 days smoke free!  $0 donated to my anti-charity; fabulous feeling foot; about 3-4 pieces of nicotine gum/day.

The eCig (Day 4)

Day 4 is here!  If I wasn't doing Nicotine Replacement Therapy, the nicotine would be out of my system by now.  Alas... still technically have the monkey on my back, but for me, breaking the habit of smoking is more important than breaking the addiction to nicotine.  It's not the nicotine that's killing me, it's the cigarettes.

In yesterday's post, I mentioned I was meeting up with a friend who was using an eCig as a replacement to quit smoking.  I was super stoked to try it and asked him about it almost as soon as he showed up to the restaurant bar.  We took turns pulling from it right there inside, and I definitely and immediately felt like I was cheating.  Yes, the eCig doesn't contain tar or any of the other nasty additives you'll find in a cigarette; it's just nicotine with a vapor exhale.  But for me, so much of smoking is a psychological association, and holding a stick that looked like a cigarette, felt like a cigarette (albeit, heavier), provided nictoine and delivered "smoke" kind of freaked me out.  It felt too real.  Most of my cravings have been impulses to bring a cigarette to my mouth, to go outside and take a break, the act of inhaling and exhaling smoke.  Those are the associations I am trying the hardest to break, and smoking the eCig just brought them back into my bodily vocabulary, if you will.

Of course, at the time, I was delighted at the opportunity to cheat without really cheating.  We kept taking pulls from it and then, with a blinking light, we realized the battery had died.  Our faces dropped and the fiending immediately kicked in.  We had to get another one.  Where's the nearest liquor store?  The only brand they carried was a disposable one for $11, and the only variety that had nicotine (who wants an eCig without nicotine??) happened to come in a cinnamon flavor.  Gross, but oh well.  We proceeded to the show.  The irony that the band we saw is called the Smoking Popes is not lost on me, btw.

All night, I kept wanting to step outside and smoke, and I kept reminding myself that I had no reason to go out there.  Mark and I crowded around the high top table and took turns pulling from the cinnamon eCig, each time expressing how gross it was and then going back for another drag a few minutes later.  I definitely put more nicotine in my body last night than I would have if I had just stuck to the gum.  About 2/3 of the way into the night, I lost it.  I tried to casually rummage through my bag (it's got to be in here somewhere...), which probably actually looked like a frantic search for gold among crap.  I carry a lot of shit in my purse, and that little black stick was no where to be found.  Good riddance.  I'm confident that I'm making more progress without it.

Status: In good spirits, feeling strong and proud! 

Day 3

I wasn't initially going to write a post today.  I couldn't think of a witty quote to put at the top.  I'm not having any dramatic withdrawals yet today.  I've only chewed two pieces of gum so far.  (On that thought, I'm going to chew one right now!)

But yesterday a friend shared with me a subReddit called Stop Smoking.  Are y'all familiar with Reddit?  It's a mind-bogglingly huge internet community that has maintained it's nearly original purest form since it's inception in 2005 (despite being purchased by Conde Nast, whom also happens to employ yours truly.)  So the Stop Smoking subReddit is a community of people who are trying to quit smoking, have quit smoking, want to quit smoking or practically any other interest in quitting smoking under the sun.  It's not an exclusive club; anyone can join.  They swap tips, tricks and experiences, vent, support and motivate each other.  It's awesome.  I created an account and posted a link to my blog thinking it might be helpful.  I went back today and four people had commented asking for the next post!  Knowing that other people are reading is a huge motivator for me to keep writing.  Stop Smoking subReddit, this one's for you :)

I did cross one hurdle yesterday, as last night was my first experience drinking since I've quit.  Like many smokers, drinking strongly encourages my desire to smoke.  You start to get a little booze buzz and the cravings get stronger.  Knowing this temptation, I turned down an invitation to watch the election results at a local bar with a big outdoor patio and instead spent it at a non-smoking friends' apartment.  I am so fortunate in that I know very few smokers in San Francisco, and I'm grateful I made the decision to avoid the patio bar temptation.  Mmmmm second hand smoke!  It would have been tough.  Go me!

Tonight I'm going to see the Smoking Popes with a former roommate who was also a heavy smoker.  I messaged him yesterday to remind him about the show and to give him a heads up that I had recently quit.  Lo and behold, he's been trying to curb his habit as well!  (We're dropping like flies!  Woohoo!)  He's been using the eCig as a replacement, and I am super stoked to see him tonight and give it a try.  Is it sad that I'm excited at the prospect of "cheating"?  It's not really cheating since I still have nicotine in my system via the gum, but might feel like it since it's a cig in form.  I'll let y'all know what it's like.  I'm slightly concerned about going to the show and fidgeting during that usual break period, but hey, at least I won't have to miss a single song.

So day three is unequivocally better than day 2 so far.  My mood is better, my stress level is lower, I'm chewing less gum and life is good.  Happy Hump Day!

Status: 2.5 days down, feeling strong!

Day 2

"It is the absence of crack that makes a crackhead." -Nick Silva

Day 2 is definitely harder than day 1.  I'm wishing maybe I had also bought a pack of the higher dosage of nicotine gum for the tougher cravings.  I actually woke up in the middle of the night tossing and turning and popped a piece in while half asleep. 

My working energy is frenetic.  It feels a little bit like I took a bunch of Adderall and can't sit still, except my mind is more distracted instead of focused.  I also have that feeling like when you've walked through a spider web and you think a spider is on you and you want to shake all your limbs at once.  Imagine a dog after a bath.  I also kind of want to cry.  Nicotine is a drug, folks, and I am a junkie.

As incredibly pathetic as I sound at the moment, I think it's important a) for me to remember how totally miserable and weird I feel right now dealing with the withdrawals, and b) for other people reading this to realize how shitty this will be to go through someday if you are thinking of picking up smoking.  If you're a smoker and are thinking of quitting, don't let this scare you away.  It will suck, but it's important to know what you're getting into so you can be properly prepared.  I also need to remember that any future cigarette smoked will put me right back here.

Now I would like to give a shoutout to all the amazing people who have expressed their support and encouragement to me about quitting.  Y'all rock.  It means a lot to me to know that I have such a solid support system; I'm not feeling too strong myself otherwise.  I even got a "You Got This" playlist from a friend back in Texas chock full of bands from Fun Fun Fun Fest last weekend (thanks, Emily!!)  I had a pretty bad freakout earlier today and listening to Andrew Bird soothed me immensely.  Unsurprisingly, I think music will serve as essential therapy through the process. 

I hope everyone took advantage of their greatest civil liberty today and got out there and voted.  Also, I hope more of you got out there and voted for Obama!  I don't think my nerves could handle a close race tonight.  Yes, totally selfish.  I have countless other reasons why I want Obama to win, but this really isn't that venue.

My fellow crackhead buddy Nick sent me the below photo last week.  He's storing his nicotine gum in a cigarette case with his inspiration photo of his niece above.  Sweet idea, brah.

Nick's inspiration to stay off the wagon.

 Status: Halfway through day 2.  Feeling like a crackhead, but hanging in there.

Day 1

I woke up this morning and my very first thought was, "Today is the first day of the rest of my life!"  If you are not or never have been a smoker, this may seem a little overly dramatic.  What's telling is not an hour later I received a text saying this exact thing from a supportive friend who is a few weeks ahead of me on the quitting train.  Breaking this addiction will be HUGE.  I'm actually pretty excited.

So far, so good.  I've got my third piece of nicotine gum tucked away in my cheek as I type, and I just got back from a lovely stroll in the park near my office.  It's all part of the plan I've alluded to a few times now and have outlined below.

1. Nicotine Gum.  Last time I tried to quit (Jan-March 2011), I opted for the patch instead of the gum.  The patch is designed to be worn all day and delivers a steady flow of nicotine into the bloodstream.  It was pretty horrible.  I was nauseous when I wore it, and even the lowest dosage level gave me the kind of nicotine buzz a cigarette never could.  The gum is a smaller dosage (2mg) and can alleviate a craving in just a few minutes.  It really doesn't taste great and after a few minutes of chewing, it develops a hardness akin to leaving out regular gum on the counter for a while and then popping it back into your mouth.  Not amazing, but better than cancer.  I intend to lean more heavily on the gum initially and then replace the gum with the next substitute...
2. Tea Tree Oil Toothpicks.  These tasty little wonders made of renewable Birchwood were pretty amazing during my last quitting attempt.  So much so that I continued to use them even after I started smoking again.  The tea tree oil gives you minty fresh breath, and the Birchwood stands up to some legit teeth grinding that can accompany a bad craving.  The toothpick satisfies the hand/mouth fidgety feeling, and these will be especially helpful on my walk to the bus or when I get antsy at a show.
3. The Blog.  As I mentioned in my first post, I think documenting my thoughts, associations and progress will help me to consistently analyze what's working and what isn't.  It will also hold me accountable throughout the process, although the most important factor is really to be accountable to myself.  Last time I snuck too many cigs from strangers and didn't tell anybody.  Oops.  See?  Even admitting that now is holding me accountable to not make the same mistakes as last time!  
4. Association Replacements.  A friend mentioned to me that while quitting, she continued to take "smoke breaks" and would instead drink a cup of tea.  This is an interesting one.  At first, I thought it would be more difficult since it would be so apparent to me that I used to have a smoke during [insert break time here].  I'm still not entirely sure what to fill this time with since I'm not a big tea drinker, but I do really enjoy taking ten minutes outside of the office 2-3 times a day.  I also enjoy sitting outside on my patio at night, thinking about my day and looking at the stars (or fog, as is often the case).  Today, I've popped in a piece of gum and taken a loop through South Park instead of standing in the back corner of the parking lot smoking.  I think that will get boring after a time, but I also hope that I don't continue to get the itch at my previously scheduled smoking times for too long.
5. Training.  Despite my increased smoking after a bad break up at the beginning of the summer, I suddenly found myself with more running endurance than I have ever had in my life.  Amazingly, out of nowhere, I could run 3 miles without stopping.  This is a big deal for me, and I really enjoyed it and the sense of accomplishment it gave me.  Since then, I had a foot injury and have been out of commission, but my wound is healing and I'm hoping to be back in action within a few weeks.  With my upcoming increased lung capacity and my healed foot, I want to start training for a long distance race in the Spring.  I'm thinking either a 10K or a half marathon.  Still need to do some research and find a race, but I've got some time because of my stupid foot.
6. Rewards.  I've got a few splurges picked out for benchmarks reached along the way.  Money I would have spent on cigarettes will now go towards one of these fabulous prizes! *Prizes subject to change on a whim.
1. Day 1 (yes, I already won a prize, lol): Buy yourself a new pair of glasses for crying out loud cause you've been talking about doing this for forever and your glasses are nine years old.  This is my somewhat arbitrary prize that I just now decided to link to making the decision to take the leap and QUIT!  Whatever.
2. 1 Month Mark: Go to Fleet Feet and get fitted for some legit running shoes.  The ones I've been using for a year now are falling apart and are specifically for trail running.  This one doubles as an investment in my training as well.
3. 2 Month Mark: Purchase some fancy wrinkle cream.  Shutup, I'm almost 30.  No shame.  I want to have skin like my beautiful mom and sisters do :)
4. 3 Month Mark: Have my teeth professionally whitened.  I have had this one in mind for years and have never made it this far.
5. 6 Month Mark: Take a vacation to somewhere I have never been.  Sorry, Texas, but you take up nearly all of my vacation time and as much as I love friends and family, it doesn't usually feel like vacation. 
6. 1 year: I honestly have to believe that by the time I get to one year, the innumerable rewards of being a non-smoker will be so apparent that I won't need to go buy myself something.  I CANNOT WAIT to learn of all the unexpected joys of being free of this addiction.
7. Disincentives.  This piece is the kicker.  I have to give credit to my friend Jeremiah Rogers, who employed this technique in his weigh loss goals earlier this year.  If I have rewards, I must also have punishments.  I am looking at this process with as much optimism as I can muster, but I also have to be realistic in that I may slip up at some point.  Having a set punishment in place will bring swift consequences, allowing me to get back on track and not dwell on the setback.  For every cigarette smoked from here on out, I will donate money to the American Family Association (AFA).  Let me be clear, the punishment here is donating my very own, hard-earned money to an organization whose cause I do NOT support.  I am not against family; I am against the AFA's narrow-minded definition of family and the way in which they spread hateful messaging to demonize people whose lifestyles and choices do not adhere to their (Evangelical Christian) definitions of morality.  Depending on where I am in the process, this will cost me.  
1. If it's in November: One single puff = $5 donation; one entire cigarette = $10 donation.
2. If it's in December: One single puff = $10 donation; one entire cigarette = $15 donation.
3. If it's in January: One single puff = $15 donation; one entire cigarette = $20 donation.  <You can see where this is going...>

If the above 8 point plan isn't enough to make you think I'm taking this quitting thing pretty seriously this time around, I don't know what else I could do to convince you.  I'm sick of being embarrassed by my cigarette smell.  I'm sick of the tightness in my chest and panting after climbing a few flights of stairs.  I'm sick of all of the detours and caveats I've built into my day every day for the past 17 years all so that I can smoke a cigarette.  It is nearly always on my mind.  I'm sick of feeling like I can't hug my niece or nephew after smoking because I smell bad.  I'm sick of how shameful I feel every morning on the way to work when I walk past the elementary school, hiding my cigarette from all the kids starting their day.  I'm sick of spending all the money I have spent to kill myself slowly.  I'm sick of standing outside the bar/restaurant/bus stop/office/friend's house/venue/etc by myself as everyone walks past with a mingled look of disgust and pity.

One thing that I've loved to remind myself lately is that I literally do not know of a single person who would not support my decision to quit. 

Status: 9 waking hours smoke-free; I haven't even yelled at anybody yet!

Quitting.

I have been sitting on this second post for well over a week now.  Frankly, every time I stop and think about quitting smoking, I have a bit of a panic attack and immediately want a cigarette.  I made a plan.  I've been telling friends that tomorrow is day 1. I have three cigarettes left in my pack; that is not a whole day's worth.  Do I buy another and then have a ceremonial "burning" party to ditch what's left?  Do I ration myself to three cigs today?  That is not a realistic, "last day of smoking."  Le sigh.  These are the considerations of the smoker.

WHY I SMOKE
So let's think about this.  Why do I slowly kill myself with this disgusting habit?  I am addicted to nicotine, that much is certain.  Nicotine will leave your bloodstream within 72 hours, but the urge to smoke will last well beyond that time frame.  Initially, (and I wouldn't admit this for a long time) but yes, I smoked to look cool.  I have an innocent face.  I wasn't invited to parties much in high school and I wanted to feel cool.  Like I wasn't the goody two shoes I appeared to be to so many people.  I was shy, but it didn't mean I didn't know how to have fun!  I started smoking way before high school, but the habit really developed when I (and Kristen, too) got a car.  The car was freedom.  So, I was 16 when I began purchasing my own smokes.  I was 16 when I wanted people to think I was cool.  Did it work?  Maybe to some people, sure. I did get surprised looks from my peers, and that was enough encouragement for me.

At some point, my coolness was firmly established in plenty of other ways, so why have I continued to smoke?  It is part of my character.  It is built into my schedule.  It has made certain moments (driving on a sunny day with good tunes rocking) complete.  It's an opportunity to change up the scenery when I'm bored somewhere.  It's a built-in excuse to duck out of an awkward social situation.  It's my "me time," an honest ten minutes alone to think about whatever I feel like thinking about.  It's a welcome break from work.  My (ex) boyfriends smoked.  My friends smoked.  It was a way to meet people- at work, outside of bars, at parties, etc.  The only reason I knew so many people at my previous job was because I was a smoker.  I got all the good gossip by the ashtray; it's like the office water cooler for rebels (or lepers).  Now, in San Francisco, I am regarded disdainfully as a smoker.  I don't have any close friends here who smoke.  I have been harassed by strangers for smoking in the street.  There are hills to climb, and panting as I go with a cigarette in my hand is just shameful.  But it is a well-established habit, and I'm rambling.

WHY I WANT TO QUIT
Let's organize this section, shall we?

1. Health: Every time I go out and have drinks with friends, I smoke more.  I wake up with a nicotine hangover.  Dizzy headache, nausea, tightness in my chest.  I wheeze when I run.  I pant climbing hills.  Then of course there's all the cancer, emphysema, heart disease, etc etc that all smokers know well and never seem to take seriously.  I am not particularly "young" anymore and I've been smoking for a long time.  I will never wake up and say to myself, "you know, I think I'm done smoking now."  Unless I want to smoke for the rest of my life, at some point I will have to face this nightmare of quitting.  Let's get it over with!

2. Vanity: Yes, I'll admit it.  I have noticed lately that I have wrinkles around my mouth.  WRINKLES!  Also, these weird spots around my upper lip that look like freckles, but definitely aren't cute or natural.  Freckles appear on your cheeks when you've been in the sun, not on your lip cause you've been poisoning yourself slowly.  I don't want Aunt Pam's smoker skin (love you and sorry!).  I don't want Nonnie's yellow toenails.  I don't want to be that smelly person on the bus who you don't want to sit next to because she smells like smoke.

3. Money: Cigarettes are expensive, y'all.  Let's math it up.  Prices here range from $6.50-$7.00/ pack.  Since the corner store will charge me $0.50 to use my card for a purchase under $10, let's go with a $7.00 estimate.  Half a pack a day, plus more on the weekends, let's say four packs per week.  52 weeks in a year means I'm spending $1,456 a year on cigarettes.  That is a really fancy vacation that I never let myself take, and believe me, I've got other ways to spend that money in my plan :)

4. Progeny: Believe it or not people, but I do want to have kids someday.  I'm 28 and single and maybe a little behind schedule, but I haven't given up on the idea.  I think I'd be a great mom, but that only really applies if you're able to stay alive to raise your kids.  I have an amazing niece, Emma, who is older now than I was when I started smoking.  Imagining her with a cigarette in her hand KILLS ME, and I hope she's never tried.  It seems like her generation is smarter than we were about that stuff.  I also have an amazing nephew, Atticus, and another sure-to-be-amazing nephew on the way, Quinn.   I love these kids.  I want to see them grow up and I want to be a good influence on their choices.

I have received so many amazing suggestions and tips from people when I've told them I'm going to quit, and feel free to keep them coming!  I will use all the help I can get.  I've created a plan with incentives, disincentives, substitutes, crutches, etc. I'll share those in a later post, as this one has gone long enough.

DAY 1 IS TOMORROW.  <holy crap, i'm terrified.>

Also, I've decided not to buy another pack to get me through today.  No more fudging around.  This is it.