Quitting.

I have been sitting on this second post for well over a week now.  Frankly, every time I stop and think about quitting smoking, I have a bit of a panic attack and immediately want a cigarette.  I made a plan.  I've been telling friends that tomorrow is day 1. I have three cigarettes left in my pack; that is not a whole day's worth.  Do I buy another and then have a ceremonial "burning" party to ditch what's left?  Do I ration myself to three cigs today?  That is not a realistic, "last day of smoking."  Le sigh.  These are the considerations of the smoker.

WHY I SMOKE
So let's think about this.  Why do I slowly kill myself with this disgusting habit?  I am addicted to nicotine, that much is certain.  Nicotine will leave your bloodstream within 72 hours, but the urge to smoke will last well beyond that time frame.  Initially, (and I wouldn't admit this for a long time) but yes, I smoked to look cool.  I have an innocent face.  I wasn't invited to parties much in high school and I wanted to feel cool.  Like I wasn't the goody two shoes I appeared to be to so many people.  I was shy, but it didn't mean I didn't know how to have fun!  I started smoking way before high school, but the habit really developed when I (and Kristen, too) got a car.  The car was freedom.  So, I was 16 when I began purchasing my own smokes.  I was 16 when I wanted people to think I was cool.  Did it work?  Maybe to some people, sure. I did get surprised looks from my peers, and that was enough encouragement for me.

At some point, my coolness was firmly established in plenty of other ways, so why have I continued to smoke?  It is part of my character.  It is built into my schedule.  It has made certain moments (driving on a sunny day with good tunes rocking) complete.  It's an opportunity to change up the scenery when I'm bored somewhere.  It's a built-in excuse to duck out of an awkward social situation.  It's my "me time," an honest ten minutes alone to think about whatever I feel like thinking about.  It's a welcome break from work.  My (ex) boyfriends smoked.  My friends smoked.  It was a way to meet people- at work, outside of bars, at parties, etc.  The only reason I knew so many people at my previous job was because I was a smoker.  I got all the good gossip by the ashtray; it's like the office water cooler for rebels (or lepers).  Now, in San Francisco, I am regarded disdainfully as a smoker.  I don't have any close friends here who smoke.  I have been harassed by strangers for smoking in the street.  There are hills to climb, and panting as I go with a cigarette in my hand is just shameful.  But it is a well-established habit, and I'm rambling.

WHY I WANT TO QUIT
Let's organize this section, shall we?

1. Health: Every time I go out and have drinks with friends, I smoke more.  I wake up with a nicotine hangover.  Dizzy headache, nausea, tightness in my chest.  I wheeze when I run.  I pant climbing hills.  Then of course there's all the cancer, emphysema, heart disease, etc etc that all smokers know well and never seem to take seriously.  I am not particularly "young" anymore and I've been smoking for a long time.  I will never wake up and say to myself, "you know, I think I'm done smoking now."  Unless I want to smoke for the rest of my life, at some point I will have to face this nightmare of quitting.  Let's get it over with!

2. Vanity: Yes, I'll admit it.  I have noticed lately that I have wrinkles around my mouth.  WRINKLES!  Also, these weird spots around my upper lip that look like freckles, but definitely aren't cute or natural.  Freckles appear on your cheeks when you've been in the sun, not on your lip cause you've been poisoning yourself slowly.  I don't want Aunt Pam's smoker skin (love you and sorry!).  I don't want Nonnie's yellow toenails.  I don't want to be that smelly person on the bus who you don't want to sit next to because she smells like smoke.

3. Money: Cigarettes are expensive, y'all.  Let's math it up.  Prices here range from $6.50-$7.00/ pack.  Since the corner store will charge me $0.50 to use my card for a purchase under $10, let's go with a $7.00 estimate.  Half a pack a day, plus more on the weekends, let's say four packs per week.  52 weeks in a year means I'm spending $1,456 a year on cigarettes.  That is a really fancy vacation that I never let myself take, and believe me, I've got other ways to spend that money in my plan :)

4. Progeny: Believe it or not people, but I do want to have kids someday.  I'm 28 and single and maybe a little behind schedule, but I haven't given up on the idea.  I think I'd be a great mom, but that only really applies if you're able to stay alive to raise your kids.  I have an amazing niece, Emma, who is older now than I was when I started smoking.  Imagining her with a cigarette in her hand KILLS ME, and I hope she's never tried.  It seems like her generation is smarter than we were about that stuff.  I also have an amazing nephew, Atticus, and another sure-to-be-amazing nephew on the way, Quinn.   I love these kids.  I want to see them grow up and I want to be a good influence on their choices.

I have received so many amazing suggestions and tips from people when I've told them I'm going to quit, and feel free to keep them coming!  I will use all the help I can get.  I've created a plan with incentives, disincentives, substitutes, crutches, etc. I'll share those in a later post, as this one has gone long enough.

DAY 1 IS TOMORROW.  <holy crap, i'm terrified.>

Also, I've decided not to buy another pack to get me through today.  No more fudging around.  This is it.